My first STD was from a foam party
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
