I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
