Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
