i need an iv and a liver transplant
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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