I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Randomize
