I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Randomize
