Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
