Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
