I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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