1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
