Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
