My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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