all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
