You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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