How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Are we still banned from the library?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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