I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
