oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
