I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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