dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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