I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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