I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
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This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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