I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
