i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize