The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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