Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
