if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
