Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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