there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
