Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
