Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
