this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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