and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
