did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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