Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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