You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
