I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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