Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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