It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize