God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
