So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So much rum. So many feels.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
