It's like God shit irony all over that family
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
