if you like me you must not know who I am
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
