i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
