I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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