my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
