What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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