I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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