My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
