i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize