If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
