I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
