Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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