I puked a lego.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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