can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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