I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Randomize
