I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.