did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?