She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
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this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.