hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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